Diane trailer/Transcript

[Click]

Ash: Diane, this is Agent Delaney. We’ve finished investigating the Howling Waller Beast of Bog Valley. Its venom sacs were paralytic but [dreamily] it was a wonderful kisser.

[Click]

Ash: Diane, Agent Bishop thinks that psychic from Montana who tried to take over my body might have damaged the part of my brain that perceives time. Now I’m not sure if it’s lunch time... or Tuesday.

[Click. Music fades in]

Ash: Diane, been watching that new show Friends very closely, and have determined that I might be a Phoebe. Agent Bishop is definitely a Monica. And Ross is a parasitic blood demon that the gang should exorcise immediately for their own safety.

Hal: Uh--who are you talking to?

Ash: Don’t worry about it! [quietly] Monica.

Hal: You are aware there’s no tape in that recorder, right?

Ash: No…?

[Click, as if hitting the eject-tape button]

Hal: No, I took it out earlier, like you s--

Ash: Why are you touching my things?!

Hal: It was a full tape! You’ve been doing this all day! What exactly are you doing anyways?

Ash: I was just telling Diane about the Weird, an actual play audio drama that you can listen to at Jointheweird.com or wherever you get your podcasts!

Hal: So we’re doing a meta-thing then. Okay, cool. I see what it is. [moves away from microphone] I’m gonna go back to paperwork.

Ash: Yes, you do that. [quietly] Such a Monica!

[click]

Ash: Diane, about the goat-man skull I keep in the office, it’s starting to whisper...

[Fade into music]