Episode 1 Carrion Hill Chapter 3/Transcript

[Intro music]

Announcer: This is Loudspeaker.

[Theme song: Vargtimmen by Da Sein]

Charles: Did you tuck in Delaney? Was there, like, a tucking motion in the blanket?

Scottye: No, no, I know I was making motions like I was caressing Delaney’s--to sleep, but no--

Megan: [laughs] It was really weird.

Scottye: Bishop touches no one. Bishop is a very very closeted-away [laughs] individual.

Charles: [laughs] I love this. So it is now one-thirty in the morning. Did Bishop stay awake that entire time, or did you take a quick li’l nap?

Scottye: I think I may have just went and hung at the bar for a few once I realized no one was gonna come near this car. Not to drink, just to kind of generally chat and get useless information, much like I did the first time I sat at the bar. [laughs]

Charles: Did you just hang out with the bartender or did you chat with random people that showed up?

Scottye: Whoever sat next to me at the bar. I generally hung out with them and chatted along, tried to steal shit, I don’t know. [growling] I’m a wild card! I’m a maverick!

Charles: I think throughout the night you see some people. You see some people from the church, some church ladies coming in and having a couple gin and tonics. You see some people throughout the town who work outside of town, come back in, have a drink, and then they go back home. And then you run into some security guards and you hear them talking about their nights. They say something along the lines of:

Charles as security guard: [odd voice] Yeah, it was kinda quiet out tonight. Yeah, I think it was--why am I doing Bill Clinton?

Megan: No, you’re in Alabama, not Arkansas.

Security guard: [clears throat] There wasn’t really much going on tonight. It was kind of a nice quiet night. Except for that person, y’know, this morning, who we just kind of arrested. That was--why’d you let them go?

Mr. Knowles: Well, it felt kinda right in the moment. [hesitantly] They seemed to like God, and y’know. [laughs] When somebody likes God, you know they’re a trustworthy person.

Security guard: Yeah, yeah, I completely agree with that!

Scottye: Welcome to “Charles Has A Conversation With Himself For An Hour.”

Charles: Yep. So do you do anything? Do you talk to these guys or do you just listen?

Scottye: I mean, it seems like all the info I would get out of them, Delaney already has, which is--shift is switching at two, stuff like that. I can’t think of anything else I would really need from the security ‘cause they seem lower level. And the only person who I think I could get information from was probably nineties-Uber’ed--I guess that’s a taxi--back to their home and that’s the drunk-ass mayor.

Charles: Right. I think the mayor is still kind of passed out at the counter.

Scottye: [laughs] He has not left!

Charles: ‘Cause he got fuckin--

Scottye: He’s just there!

Charles: He got fuckin’ wrecked! He went hard so he’s--it’s kind of a usual thing there. Like people crash and they let them have that table. So the mayor is crashed onto the booth.

Scottye: Good town! Good town you’ve made.

Charles: And it is--yeah. It is one-thirty in the morning so about two o’clock when that shift change happens.

Scottye: Mhm.

Charles: What do you do?

Hal: Delaney. Delaney, it’s time to wake up. Come on.

Ash: Mm. Yep. I’m here. I’m…

Hal: Good morning, starshine. Earth says hello. Okay. It’s almost two o’clock.

[laughter]

Hal: It’s almost two o’clock.

Ash: [stammers]

Charles: How is Delaney feeling? Is Delaney still a little intoxicated?

Megan: Yes.

Scottye: Oh, this will be fun. Okay.

Charles: So you--

Ash: I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Let’s go do a sneaking.

Hal: I feel… You know that means you need to be quiet, right?

Ash: Oh, the inside of my mouth tastes like a dead raccoon. Agh.

Hal: Yeah, that’s the whiskey-vodka. It’s like normal whiskey but bad. Yeah yeah yeah, okay. Here, come on.

Scottye: And we kinda creep--well, it’s one-thirty. Do we want to review our plan?

Charles: Yeah, I think you guys should talk about what your plan is, yeah.

Ash: Yeah. So. Oof. Ooh boy. Ah. [odd groan] Ugh. Are you, are you, are you ready? We’re gonna go to the crime scene. We’re gonna do...

Hal: Mhm. I’m the assistant. You tell me what to do.

Ash: Yes, that’s--I’m telling you, we’re gonna--I’m asking you, are you ready? We’re gonna go to the crime scene, we’re gonna look at… Hopefully there’s gonna be some tracks, and I guess based on what the mayor said, we should probably go into the mine.

Hal: To keep--because they’re trying to keep something in there. I mean, it’s a guard change! It’s not like the guards won’t be there! They’re just changing. We have five minutes at the most.

Ash: Okay, so… we’ve just got to time it out. [high pitched] We just have to time it out well, is all! So during the change, we go real quick. I’ve got my camera. We snap pictures of the actual scene itself very quickly to review later. And then before the new guards come, get into the mine. And then, you know, we’ll be in the mine. Guards don’t in… the mine.

Hal: So you’re proposing we just chill in this mine until the shift changes again?!

Ash: Yes.

Hal: Okay. Um.

Scottye: Can we see the guards from where we’re at?

Charles: No, you cannot see the guards from where you’re at, ‘cause they’re over the hill. I mean, do you sneak on top of the hill?

Scottye: Yes. To look down.

[Ominous clanging.]

Charles: So basically what you see when you get to the top of the hill is that--what happens in the shift change is, people come into the facility from the town. You see them. There’s a small building at the far end where they get dressed. But at that time, people are saying goodbyes at that same place. So basically everybody is at this one small building during this time. It is about a minute drive, maybe, to get to that side of the, where the murder has taken place, and you can kind of see where there’s maybe a couple lights that are pushing down on that area in there. The mine itself is about a two-minute run out. ‘Cause you’re looking south right now, so out east.

Scottye: Okay.

Megan: We’ll roll for “quick.” It’s gonna be fine.

[Laughter]

Scottye: [incredulously] Plan: During shift change, run down and then get pictures and then yeet ourselves into a mine where we won’t be able to leave for a while.

Charles: I guess if that’s what you guys want to do.

Ash: I--you know what? You’ve taken quite a lot of initiative so far on this trip, and I’ll be honest with you. I’m not quite sober yet, so the floor is open to suggestions.

Hal: Okay, um.

Ash: But the clock is ticking.

Hal: Okay, how about this? I go down, I investigate the crime scene because that’s what I was trained to do, and I assume, I guess you’re down for spelunking. So I run down, quickly investigate the crime scene. While I do that, you have your fun in your little cave. And then at five minutes before the shift change happens again, we come back here and run up. Or would you like to spend night-night under some stalactites?

Ash: No, I suppose… not. Although your lack of excitement for cave adventure is a bit disappointing.

Hal: We’re solving a murder right now. Not exactly an exciting thing.

Ash: Only if you make it that. Murders can be extremely exciting in my experience. I don’t know what they’ve got going on at the CIA, what sort of dull murders they got you working on, but I suppose that’s your experience.

Megan: And so they hand you their camera.

Hal: Okay.

Ash: You’ll need this, I guess, because if you find anything strange while you’re investigating the crime scene, Lord knows you won’t know what to do with it. You’ll just probably look at it and be like, “That’s a normal thing!”

Hal: Okay, I’m trying to think about if I should give you my cell phone in case you get trapped in the mine and then I can call you eventually. I… so do we just do it now, El Capitan? ‘Cause after all, I am the assistant. It’s your--this is your prerogative. Just tell me when to go.

Ash: That’s the spirit! Oh boy. I feel a headache coming on. This is gonna suck later. No more whiska for me.

Charles: Alright. You both run in. Do you guys head to the place itself and then split off, or do you both like--one runs to the cave, one runs to the…

Scottye: We’re inside the gates now, right?

Charles: Right. Right.

Scottye: It’s just walking. I think straight line, both of us.

Megan: Yeah.

Charles: To your respective places?

Scottye: Yeah.

Megan: Yeah, it doesn’t really make sense for us to do it a different way.

Charles: Who wants to go first?

Scottye: I’m gonna go with Bishop first.

Megan: Okay.

Scottye: I think Bishop is gonna go first. Okay.

[Footsteps crunch. Crickets chirp.]

Charles: It’s much quicker for Bishop to get to the scene of the crime. Now the body has been removed, you can see that. You can see a--

Megan: God, I would hope so.

Charles: Right. You do see some blood there and you also see talon tracks, right, so significant talon tracks. And they’re big. Big talon tracks that are just walking up towards this, where assumedly the body would be, and going off after what happened.

Scottye: Okay. I quickly take pictures ‘cause, I mean, that’s the thing that they sent me down here to do, was take pictures, so I do that. And then I “assess the situation.” Uh, yeah, I’m gonna “research.”

[Dice rolls]

Scottye: Four plus five, nine. Plus my “shrewd” which I think is a plus one hopefully. It is! Ten.

Charles: Alrighty. You get answers to two questions. So with research, whenever you’re doing research on a particular piece of evidence, you roll “shrewd,” which is our knowledge-based roll. Ten-plus gets you answers to two questions. Seven to nine, answer to one question but the Director gets to choose one from the list which we can do at a different time.

Scottye: “Where did they go?” So I’m looking at the tracks, trying to determine where this creature would have went. And then, “Is there something I missed?” on the crime scene.

[Music fades in]

Megan: Good one.

Charles: [hums] “Where did they go?” I want to answer that one first because what you notice very quickly is that the talon tracks do not come from the mine. But it looks like they come from town. So something came over the hill and then those talon tracks--left, and then back towards the town.

Megan: Uh-oh.

Charles: “Is there something that you missed?” Yes, there is.

Scottye: Okay.

Charles: There is something you missed--that it looks like, on its way out, one of the claws, one of the talons kind of fell off and there is one single footprint next to it.

Scottye: I had one theory and then that totally broke my theory! But for Hal Bishop, I love this because this means it’s a person. This definitely means this is a person. Shit, that broke my theory entirely. Alright. I see it, I take pictures, and I immediately start to go back towards the car. I take a pic, like a close-up of the footprint, and then head back towards the car.

[Footsteps on a hard surface. An ominous hum.]

Charles: Alright, and as that’s happening, we cut to Agent Delaney as they pass the front of the cave. And as you’re walking up towards the cave, you can start hearing this very low-frequency hum coming from the cave. Something unnatural. It doesn’t sound like a TV hum. It sounds like maybe… The way that I picture it is, you know how when you have monks doing that low [hum] sound? Right?

Megan: Y-yeah?

Charles: But just really deep. It doesn’t sound human by any means, but it’s a single note that is emanating through these caves. What do you do?

Ash: Oh, God.

Megan: As they’re starting to slowly sober up, they’re like--

Ash: Oh… That is… oh, that is right down the middle of my skull. Jesus.

Megan: Do I have a flashlight?

Charles: I think you do, don’t you?

Megan: I don’t have a... [laughs]

Charles: If you wanna media-res and grab a flashlight…

Scottye: I got a flask. You can have a flashlight.

Megan: Okay, yeah.

Charles: Didn’t you have a flashlight?

Megan and Scottye: No.

Megan: That’s not even on my list of things that I could choose from.

Charles: Okay. Okay. Well then, yes. Yes, in this case you do have a flashlight. And that is your one extra item that I have allotted you that you will never ever get to do something again where you get to add extra items.

Megan: Okay, yeah. Hal gets a flask. I want a flashlight. So yeah, I guess I’m waving my flashlight around, looking to see if there’s a source of the sound. I’m rubbing my head.

[The low humming gets louder with high-pitched bell noises.]

Charles: The main cave that you enter has a bunch of different mining equipment vehicles that you drive in from different places. You see five different directions where the caves can go, so it’s not like one specific direction that you can head into. But there are multiple different directions and the thing is, is you can hear people coming in from the caves. You’re not making out what they’re saying but you can hear a group of people saying something from within the cave. It sounds like people are coming up towards you.

Megan: Shit. I was gonna roll to “assess” but now I’m wondering if I should roll “quick” and hide…? Oh yeah, wait, should I roll “evade” or…?

Charles: I think all others, because--oh, you know what? Roll “evade.” Roll “evade.” Because you are dodging out of the way of something that will cause potential harm.

[Muffled distant voices.]

Megan: Okay. Crap. That’s a six and, oh, I got a zero. That’s a plus-zero to my “quick.” So that’s a straight six. [laughs nervously]

Charles: Delaney freezes in this moment, not knowing what to do here.

Megan: Or, I just try to do a roll to the side, but I’m still coming down off of being real drunk, and I stumble and fall over.

Charles: Right. So as you start seeing the flashlights of the individuals coming down the second of five caves there, and you see coming out of them--you see a group of individuals that you’ve seen throughout town. The bartender who was at the Pizza Bar is now working the next shift of guarding this property and he notices you. He sees you. And he goes,

Bartender: [voice echoing] What the hell are you doing in here?

Ash: [voice echoing] This isn’t the… oh, God, where is… This isn’t my car…? Ugh. You’re the bar--[more drunkenly] You’re the bartender!

Charles: Roll “fast talk,” ‘cause I think you may be able to talk yourself out of this in a way.

Megan: Oh, thank God. Okay. That’s an eight plus my two to “con” is ten. Thank Christ.

Charles: So the other individuals holster their weapons and the bartender looks at them and says,

Bartender: They’re just drunk. They were at the bar a couple hours ago and we just…

Ash: [drunken stammering] Me and the mayor and my buddy, we were, oh my God, we were, yeah! We had, they gave us the whiska! Very good. I don’t know how I got here but you can help me out, right?

Bartender: Guys, is it okay if we just…? They’re drunk. They’re fuckin’ drunk. Like, look at ‘em.

Ash: [drunken stammering] Are we having a cave party? Is this one of those small-town cave parties? Yeah? [singing] Cave party! This party is… cave…

Bartender: I do appreciate the cave party song.

Ash: Yeah.

Bartender: However, I will have to let the mayor know that this happened. But go for now.

Ash: [odd noises] Why you gotta… Me and the mayor, we’re buds! It’s good, it’s fine!

Charles: So the bartender kind of walks you off the property and back into town.

Megan: Dammit! Damn it!

Charles: Kind of closes the fence that was opened up and locks it, and…

Megan: [muttering] Wanna get in that mine!

Charles: Because you rolled well, I will give you something. Alright?

Megan: Okay, alright.

Charles: You will still be lead outside of this cave and you will not be allowed back. It will be closed, right? As you’re being escorted out of the cave, underneath that low humming thing you hear permeating the cave, through that second of the five directions, you do hear a very distant growl as--you’re not sure exactly what it is, but you do hear something from that direction in the cave.

[Odd echoing noises.]

Charles: And you are led out. They set you off the property, they lock the open entrance there, and…

Megan: I wanna break off and run away! Like a shitty little gremlin!

Scottye: Can I also quickly say, does Hal--can Hal see the somewhat-captured Delaney up on the hill?

Charles: Yes. 100 percent.

Scottye: Okay, then I immediately pull the car out and put it on a main road where I am not on this gate at all, so that way there’s no evidence of me being there other than the car tracks.

[Car engine starts.]

Charles: Delaney--sad, sad gremlin boi--walks like that gif of Michael Cera in Arrested Development, just like sad walking.

Megan: Yep.

Charles: With a [sad trumpet noises] behind them. And you make your way back to the bar. Does Bishop come pick up Delaney after?

Scottye: Yeah, I pick them up outside and I wave at the bartender like,

Hal: You gotta go easy with the whiska on this one! You gotta go easy on it!

[Car door slams shut. Car window rolls up.]

Hal: What the fuck happened?

Ash: I got caught in a mine. They were all in… there’s a whole network of tunnels in there and they were all in there and they did see me.

Hal: Well, it doesn’t matter. Because the mine has nothing to do with this!

Ash: No, there’s something in there. There was a strange humming sound. There’s some kind of animal in there. I could hear it! They’re keeping some kind of creature in there.

Hal: Alright, well, why were we called here? Because there was a murder, correct?

Ash: Yes. And they were sure there was a supernatural--well, not necessarily supernatural, but an extra-normal entity involved. Potentially prehistoric in nature if we’re lucky.

Hal: Well, you’re right. It is extra-normal. It is very normal. It’s a man. Look at--

Scottye: Is this a digital camera? Or do I have to be like, “We have to go develop these photos right now!”

Megan: I mean, we said it was a digital camera. That doesn’t really make sense, I mean, the time we’re in, but sure.

Charles: Yes, it’s a digital camera.

Scottye: So I pull it out and then I show Delaney, a--

Hal: Well, number one, the cave has nothing to do with this because look at these tracks. They’re coming from the town, meaning that whatever did this came from the town. And in case you’re wondering what this was, look at this!

Scottye: Press left button.

[laughter]

Scottye: I was gonna say “swipe” but then I realized that was wrong.

Hal: Footprint! These were talon shoes! Talon clogs! These were a costume. This has nothing to do with that cave.

Ash: [long pause] Wh- Why would they be- Why is everyone saying that they think a vulture killed Henry Wilson?

Hal: That’s, well, A, who murdered Henry Wilson is question number one. But also why would anybody lie about this? Because this is, I’ve seen a fair share of costumes in my day and I don’t think there’s one you can scr--put a man in that would make him look like a vulture!

Ash: This is an awful lot of effort to go through to kill a guy. To… I… ugh, God, I can feel the hangover starting. Okay. Oh boy. Look, there’s something in that mine, Bishop. I heard it. I need to get back in there. I don’t know what this is. You’re right. There’s, things aren’t adding up, that’s fair, that’s valid. But something Weird is in play here. You have to trust me on that.

[Music fades in, then out.]

[Music fades into radio chatter and beach rock.]

Ash: There’s, something is in the mine.

Hal: Yeah, ‘cause you heard a growl.

Ash: They’re guarding, and they’re guarding something.

Scottye: [sighs] We also probably need to intercept the mayor and just be like, “It’s cool!” [laughs] ‘Cause they’re gonna tell him you were there and I think the minute that happens, we lose the mayor as a point of contact. So we gotta get to the mayor before they get to the mayor.

Megan: Okay, we kidnap the passed-out mayor and we go from fun subterfuge to fuckin’ interrogation.

Scottye: I’m in!

Megan: Yeah.

Charles: That’s the direction you guys want to go with this? You’re going to interrogate the mayor.

Megan: This is getting really fucking confusing and strange!

Scottye: This is fury at us being confused and, by “kidnap the mayor,” we also mean “kidnap Charles and force Charles to tell us what the fuck is going on!”

Charles: I would say, if you guys want to do that, I will let you do that, however...

Scottye: Okay!

Megan: Kidnapping the mayor is a mistake.

Scottye: Boo!

Megan: I’ve been almost arrested too many times though!

Charles: Right.

Megan: I’m gonna get in--this is coming back to haunt me!

Charles: You are gonna get in trouble, like, 100 percent, and I think that’s gonna be interesting. However, I think that there are interesting conversations to have with you and the mayor when that happens.

Scottye: I do think we do still need to intercept the mayor. I do firmly think we need to at least get to the mayor and try to alleviate things with him before it’s revealed that Hal Bishop went in that cave on that fair evening. So I vote we go back to the Pizza Bar and see if he’s still passed out there or if he’s made his way home.

Charles: So you do that and immediately you notice that the mayor is not there.

Hal: [groaning] Do we want to go try to find where the mayor lives?

Ash: I think at this point it would be more suspicious if we went to the mayor’s house.

Hal: Yeah.

Ash: Unless we were going to kidnap the mayor. Which, I mean, I could be convinced!

Hal: It’s still on the table! But before that--

Ash: I mean how much more deep could we get? I’ve almost been arrested twice.

[laughter]

Scottye: Do we notice anything else at the Pizza Bar? Like obviously, is it closed, or is there a new bartender there? Is it a 24/7 Pizza Bar?

Charles: It’s not 24/7 Pizza Bar. It at this point has closed down.

Scottye: Okay.

Charles: That’s why you can’t get to the mayor. I think at this point, it is past two in the morning. I would say that in this town, besides from the two bars and ten churches, there is one hotel there where you guys can go to sleep.

Scottye: So kidnap the mayor! No, yeah, no, I’m not gonna lie, if we didn't kidnap the mayor, my plan next was sleep. I was gonna sleep in the fuckin’ Ford Fiesta, but that, yeah, I’m down with that.

Charles: So you tr--Megan, I see you looking sad and deflated. Trust me here.

Megan: [laughs] I guess we won’t kidnap the mayor.

Scottye: You got too nervous, you wanna know the answer. Right. Right.

Megan: It goes against all of my better instincts, but I… fine. We won’t kidnap the mayor. [laughs]

Charles: You can! You have to figure out where the mayor lives, which is like one “fast talk” roll, there’s--

Scottye: [as Charles] “Hey, hey kiddo, let’s solve a mystery and then we can kidnap the mayor all you want!”

Megan: [as Charles] “We can go to McDonald’s. We’ll kidnap the mayor.”

[laughter]

Scottye: [as Charles] “Get some ice cream.”

Charles: If you wanna. If you guys, I mean like, honestly, pulling us aside. If you guys wanna go try to kidnap the mayor--

Megan: [laughter] No…

Charles: ...In the morning. You have to come up with a way to do it! The bar is closed. You guys need to figure out a way to do something.

Scottye: And we don’t know where he lives, so yeah, yeah, I get it.

Megan: No, the town is small enough we could probably… No, no, we’ll go to the hotel. We will play the game like good players. We will not attempt to figure out how to kidnap the mayor at three in the morning.

[laughter]

Scottye: I’ve played enough Fallout: New Vegas and I’ve been to the small towns in New Vegas. We could kidnap this whole town!

Megan: Probably.

Scottye: Yeah!

Megan: Let’s go to bed.

[laughter]

Charles: So a little bit further west, past the Pizza Bar, there is the one motel in town. It’s called the LORD’s Spring Resort is what it’s called.

Scottye: [laughs] It’s the First Methodist Motel!

Charles: Not just the first, but the only. It’s the LORD’s Spring Resort. It’s got six rooms down the way. It does say “Vacancy” on it because there’s only one other person who has rented space out of that motel, and that is your good friend the Doctor. So you walk in, you pay for stuff, and you’re in Room 2 out of six. And you, I would just like to say, you do know that Dr. Cooper is in fact in this motel.

Scottye: Yeah, I’m gonna grab a bottle of whiska and go to the good Doctor’s room.

Megan: I mean, is he gonna be up?

Scottye: He will after I get there!

Charles: So you knock on the door. The doctor is 100 percent awake.

Megan: Okay.

[Knocking. Door opens]

Charles: He opens the door. He says,

Dr. Cooper: Hey, hey, hey folks. How’s it going?

Hal: Hey bud! How are you doing?

Dr. Cooper: Hey, how can I h--

Hal: [interrupting] Ever tried whiska?

Dr. Cooper: Uh, I’m not too much of a drinker--

Hal: You will be tonight!

Scottye: And I pour me and him a rocks glass full of whiska.

Charles: Like inside of the hotel room?

Scottye: Yeah, yeah yeah.

Megan: I guess I’m here too? [laughs]

Dr. Cooper: So, find yourself some dinosaurs?

Ash: No! Not so much.

Hal: Found some tracks. You know, you’re a paleontologist. Do you have any like, bones or anything with you? I just need as a point of comparison.

Dr. Cooper: Not… not with me. Why, why, why are you wondering?

Hal: Well, we found some tracks and apparently according to you, you think it was some sort of “dinosaur,” and we were gonna see if we compared those tracks to that of another dinosaur what it would look like.

Dr. Cooper: Do you have pictures of the tracks? [enthused] You guys, you guys make it onto the property? You guys saw some tracks? Can I see?

Ash: We sure did. We’d like to see what you have first.

Dr. Cooper: I have nothing. I have found no evidence of them yet, so.

Ash: Funny, that!

Hal: Real funny that they wouldn’t let you in there or communicate with you at all. They’ve been very welcoming to us.

Dr. Cooper: What did you guys say to get on in there? Huh?

Ash: We’ll worry about that later.

Megan: And Delaney pulls out the camera.

Ash: What dinosaur tracks does this look like to you?

Dr. Cooper: Um… That does look kind of like a velociraptor, some kind of dinosaur that would have the three-pronged claws. It looks like a big bird’s claw a little bit, but it does resemble the velociraptor, I would say.

Ash: Yeah, ‘cause that looks like a bullshitosaurus to me!

Scottye: I roll to investigate. [laughs]

Charles: ‘Kay.

[Dice rolls.]

Scottye: Oh, you’re going down, motherfucker! Dammit! What’s my “pry” again? I think it’s plus one.

Charles: Yeah, it’s plus one.

Scottye: That is a nine.

Megan: Is it worth to try, I could try to bump--oh wait, no, you could just ask one. Was gonna say I could just bump you to a full? Is it worth it?

Charles: I mean, if you…

Megan: I have that plus one pry from the question I never asked.

Charles: Yeah, if you want to use it for that.

Megan: Yeah.

Charles: Yeah! What do you guys have?

Scottye: Mine’s, “Where would I find his shoes?!”

Charles: He’s wearing them.

Scottye: At three in the morning?!

Charles: He wears his shoes! I don’t know. Okay, alright, he doesn’t have his shoes on. He’s got a nice pair of slippers on. You can see that his dress shoes over in the corner are, yeah, just over by the corner.

Scottye: Okay.

Charles: A pair of dress shoes.

Scottye: Can I go look at them or will that be very fucking weird?

Charles: That will be very fucking weird to go look at some dude’s shoes.

Scottye: Actually, I have--I just--I’m thinking up a line of bullshit about him being a famous doctor and compliment his, suck his dick or whatever. And then I walk over and I’m like,

Hal: Look at these shoes! Look at how fancy they are.

Scottye: I pick one up and I just look at the sole of it.

Charles: It 100 percent is not the same kind of foot track that you have seen.

Scottye: Okay.

Charles: So it is a different foot track. The shoes do look clean.

Scottye: I do love how quickly Ash and Bishop quickly went in on this doctor!

Megan: “What is the relationship between Dr. Cooper and this dig site?”

Charles: Hm. What is the...

Scottye: The psychic umbilical cord continues, ‘cause that is exactly what I was gonna ask!

[laughter]

Charles: Just ask him a question.

Ash: So what brought you here in the first place, Dr. Cooper? Was it before the murder? How did you, if ya, weren’t letting you come look at the bones, what were you doing here? I’m starting to feel like I’m getting my chain yanked a little, I’m gonna be honest here. And I’m not a fan.

[Ominous music.]

Dr. Cooper: Alright, so, gonna be honest with you.

Ash: That implies that you weren’t before.

Dr. Cooper: Because it’s kinda crazy. [pauses] I think that there are dinosaurs in that cave.

Ash: That would--

Dr. Cooper: I--

Hal: Dead ones, yes!

Dr. Cooper: [slowly] I have contacts that have given me information that not only were bones found in the mines, but also actual dinosaurs. Actual real dinosaurs in that cave. This death was kind of an excuse for me to be here. So when I heard about the death, came into town, now I’m trying to get into those caves.

Hal: How did you hear about this death?

Dr. Cooper: My contact here in town was actually Henry.

Hal: Okay.

Dr. Cooper: Henry’s family, his wife specifically, she let me know what had happened and I immediately came out here.

Hal: Do you pinky promise you didn’t murder him? ‘Cause it’s starting to feel like you murdered him.

[laughter]

Dr. Cooper: I promise I didn’t murder him.

Ash: So you’re telling me that…

Hal: Oh, God.

Megan: The gleam’s starting to come back into Delaney’s eyes even now in this, the hour of, what, it’s gotta be close to four in the goddamn morning.

Ash: That you--there are dinosaurs in this town. The town is in on it. Henry was your contact and had let you know. And then he was murdered in retribution! And to make it look as though--to hide it--they made it look like it was a staged killing. That it was some sort of teen hooligans that were faking it, so it looks like a faked dinosaur killing! Like someone had put together a facsimile of a dinosaur murder to throw us off the scent! Do you see how it’s coming together here, Bishop? And that explains the noises that I heard in the mines! There really are dinosaurs there! They just made up a mocked-up crime scene to make it look like the dinosaurs are fake! [angrily] It makes perfect sense!

Hal: Or… Alternately… This fool wanted to get into the cave and look at the bones. He wanted to try to discover these new rare dinosaur bones, and when the security guards would not allow him to be put--would not allow him into the cave, he snuck on the grounds after dark, murdered one of the guards, and tried to get into the cave.

Charles: Are you having this conversation in front of Cooper?

Hal: Oh yeah, 110 percent, I’m accusing you of murder ‘cause you definitely stole--you definitely killed this guy!

Ash: While dressed in dinosaur shoes?

Hal: It would hide his tracks better than anything else, and who would know exactly what the footprint of a dinosaur would look like? Him!

Ash: While dressed as a--yeah, and the town would all go along with the story? That he was actually a big vulture?

Hal: Dinosaurs evolved into birds. These simple Alabama idiots would look at those tracks and go, [exaggerated Southern accent] “Well I guess them big ol’ bird feet!”

Charles: “This is a fuckin’ big bird! Big bird came out here!”

[laughter]

Scottye: So yeah, I’m stone-cold accusing him of murder.

Ash: So, just so I’m clear here, your alternate theory here is that this man came to the dig site dressed as a large bird with talon feet to go get into the dig, and then got caught while dressed as a large dinosaur-bird for funsies I guess. Because that’s the best sneaking outfit. Murdered a man, and then ran off back into town and hasn’t been caught yet?

Hal: You went into that cave, correct?

Ash: Yes.

Hal: What did you see?

Ash: Well, I didn’t really get the chance to see much of anything. I was caught by security. But I heard stuff.

Hal: He’s never been caught. He walked into the cave, realized he’d murdered a man for no apparent reason, and then escaped. It’s simple as that.

Ash: But you said the tracks didn’t go into the cave! You see them in the picture. The tracks don’t go into the cave at all.

Hal: Now that I didn’t consider. But it’s the only obvious--it’s the only thing that makes sense in our reality, is the fact that this man--

Ash: You said yourself that the tracks just go back into town. The town is in on it. In which case our friend here, who we’re just talking in front of, [laughs] and is just kind of letting us go on…

Dr. Cooper: Yeah, this is kind of awkward for me. So. You know, it’s like three o’clock in the morning. One of you’s drunk, and one of you think I killed a guy.

Ash: I’m pretty sober at this point.

Dr. Cooper: Okay.

Ash: And I’m also arguing on your behalf, so you know!

Dr. Cooper: Well, I appreciate that.

Ash: Show a little bit of thankfulness, why don’t you?

Hal: Okay. How about this. We go see the body tomorrow, we inspect it to see if these are in fact “animalistic” claw marks or if they were made by a human, and if they are made by a human, Dr. Cooper, we’re going to lock your ass up. Understood?

Charles: He gives you a thumbs-up.

Hal: See ya tomorrow.

Scottye: Then I immediately go back to the other hotel room and pass out.

Charles: So Hal walks off and before you are able to, Delaney, Dr. Cooper stops you and says,

Dr. Cooper: There’s one thing that really concerns me about those caves. If there are actual dinosaurs in there, how have they survived this long? What has been keeping them alive?

[Fade into theme music]

Announcer: This has been a production of Loudspeaker Networks. For more on this and other programs, visit Loudspeaker.fm.