Episode 1 Carrion Hill Chapter 2/Transcript

[Intro Music]

Announcer: This is Loudspeaker.

[Slam]

[Soft crunching]

Caleb: Hi, Derek.

Derek: Hi, Caleb.

Caleb: Did you catch that kid trying to sneak into the mine again?

Derek: Nah, nah, some outsider made their way onto the property.

Caleb: Derek, did they get into the mines?

Derek: No sir. You know us. Not even close.

Caleb: Alright. I’ll handle this.

Derek: Need any help?

Caleb: Nah. This one should be easy.

[Fade into theme song: Vargtimmen by Da Sein]

Scottye: We are the best government agents ever.

Megan: We are so good at being government agents.

Charles: Hold on, I just need to update my notes here with--

Megan: [laughs] “You guys suck”

[laughter]

Scottye: Alrighty. So which one of you two fuckos do we start out with? Every failed roll you mark experience, right?

Charles: Yes.

Megan: Oh yeah, I’ve gotta mark experience. Shit.

Scottye: Mhm.

Megan: My one single goddamn roll in that whole…

Charles: So in this situation, you have now been handcuffed, you have been--with the twisty ties handcuffs.

Megan: I did get handcuffed already.

Charles: Right. Well, they’ve surrounded you, they’ve dealt with the scene, they’ve put you into the car, and one of the security guards opens the door, walks in, closes it behind you, sits across from you in one of these vehicles, and says:

[Eerie noises. A car door slam. An engine starting.]

Charles as guard: So, going onto private property here. That’s not allowed. Obviously. How can I… help you?

Megan as Ash:  The thing is--

Megan: Does he have a name tag?

Charles: It does. It says “Knowles.” K-N-O-W-L-E-S.

Ash: Well, Officer Knowles…?

Knowles: Just… just Knowles. Not an officer. Don’t work for the law.

Ash: Kn--Mister Knowles.

Knowles: Mr. Knowles is good.

Ash: Mr. Knowles, the thing of it is--are you a religious man, Mr. Knowles?

Knowles: I live in Alabama. Of course I’m a religious man.

Ash: Of course, of course you’re a good religious man, Mr. Knowles. So am I. So am I, you see. You know how the good LORD put those bones, those dinosaur bones in the earth to test us? To test our faith?

Knowles: Mhm.

Ash: And so a good person now has died here and I think--I think it was because of temptations of the devil. I think that those bones there are now tainted and sinful, and I was just trying to do right by the LORD to get them out of there. And I’m sorry if I’ve done wrong, if I’ve broken the law by trying to do so. I was just trying do right by the L--I was trying to do what I thought was the Christian thing. And I’m sorry if I’ve done wrong, Mr. Knowles, I was only trying to do what I thought the LORD wanted me to do. Surely you can understand that, right?

Charles: Roll “fast talk.”

Scottye: What the fuck is happening? [laugh]

Megan: Does this count as one of my--can I add one of my moves as--does this count as an “absurd solution to a problem”? [laughs] With my--

Scottye: Yeah, I think so!

Charles: Okay. This is very absurd. This is really absurd. However, I want you to read this extra move here. I want you to read it in its entirety.

Megan: [reading, laughing] “Through your research you have discovered interesting solutions to problems. You gain a plus-1 to any roll that involves an absurd solution to a problem. However, if it’s not a full success, it is a complete failure and the Director gets to take a hard move. You also look like an idiot if you fail.”

Scottye: I guess in your investigations you discovered Deuteronomy 32:26, “For God so loved the world that He put dinosaur bones in the earth to test us.”

[laughter]

Charles: Alright, you better roll a--”fast talk” is “con”--

Megan: Okay, so I’ve got a plus-2 to “con” and that’s gonna give me an extra plus-one so yeah, I… I feel confident taking--

Charles: You feel confident?

Megan: Yeah, I feel confident taking this. Alright. Here we go. [pause, laughs victoriously] Fuck you! That was a natural 12!

Scottye: [laughs] Yes! Yes!

Charles: No fucking way.

Megan: I swear to God!

[laughter]

Megan: I don’t know if you can see or if my screen is too bright. Nope, it’s too bright.

Charles: Congratulations.

Scottye: [exaggerated drawl, imitating Knowles] I ain’t know that that’s the reason God killed’em them dinosaurs. I guess that’s right. I need to go home ‘n’ read my Bible more.

Charles as Knowles: What did you say your name was?

Ash: [slowly] My name is Hal Bishop.

[laughter]

Knowles: Alright, Hal. Are you familiar with Genesis 1:24 through 31?

Ash: Yes.

[laughter]

Knowles: I agree with you 100 percent. ‘Cause God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds, livestocks and creeping things, the beasts of the earth according to their kinds.” Never said anything about goddamn dinosaurs. So.

[laughter]

Ash: Absolutely. See, I knew that you would understand as soon as I saw you, I knew, Mr. Knowles, that that was the face of a good God-fearing Christian man who understands my cause.

Knowles: Problem is, I still have to do my job, right? In this case, we’ll just say… we’re gonna let you go. However, I’m gonna tell you right now that about two o’clock in the morning, there is a shift change here. Nobody’s around. Two o’clock in the morning, you 100 percent can go destroy those dinosaur bones [raises voice] that Satan left here on this earth for men to be tempted by!

Ash: Mr. Knowles, I want to thank you for your kindness, your mercy, and your dedication to all things good in this world. I will take this information and I will do what must be done.

Knowles: Praise be to you.

Ash: And to y-- [knowingly] praise be to the LORD. And I’ll never do it again.

Scottye: Did we just create a sundown town but exclusively for dinosaurs?

[laughter]

Megan: Shh! Shut up!

Charles: So, this Mr. Knowles lets you out of the security vehicle--

[Door slams]

Charles: And he walks around, talks to the other people. They look kind of confused about why they’re letting you go. And he lets you off past the fence and onto doing your own thing!

Megan: Let me off with a warning! You know, it happens.

Charles: And, uh, where the fuck is Hal?

Scottye: Oh, I’m now running. Now that I’m--I think Hal was walking the streets still, somewhat in his drunken businessman attire, which is, tie around his forehead, unbuttoned white shirt, and he just sees Delaney getting out of a cop car. And rushes towards them!

[Footsteps crunching]

Hal: Hey! Um, so you kind of left me high and dry back there, bud. I know I’m your assistant but if you don’t tell me what you’re doing, it’s a little hard for me to “assist”!

Ash: Oh, I’m sorry, I just assumed, you know. You’re a big boy who’s been with the CIA for three years! I thought I could leave you unattended for a minute to, you know, do your work. Was I wrong?

Hal: No, I did do my work. That bartender offered me some very lovely information that a man was killed by a bird. As we’ve already discussed. Everyone believes this is a bird. It is a bird. Also it’s not a murder. Unless crows are involved, this is not a murder. This is just an unfortunate incident of a bird in the night-time killing a man.

Ash: Oh, that was an amusing reference to a book that I’m not 100 percent sure was published at the time that we’re setting this.

[laughter]

Hal: I know, I’m going to write it in the future. I think it’s a play as well.

Ash: Alright, so you learned a thing that we already know. And I learned that we’ll be able to sneak into the crime scene and see if we can learn new things!

Hal: So we’re not--this is--so you’re--this just isn’t cut-and-dry? No matter how much I try and convince you, this is not a cut-and-dry situation for you?

Ash: Bishop, it’s never a cut-and-dry situation. You’ll learn that eventually.

Hal: Alright, what do you propose we do until then?

Ash: Well… Perhaps we could go talk to some people about--like, did you gain anything useful apart from what we already know, that a person was killed by what people assume is a bird? Any locals that we can talk to? Maybe we can get a look at the body? Hm? Did you do your job maybe while I was gone, hm?

Hal: Well, I was doing my job and then I turned around and, turns out the person who brought me here was gone! So I figured maybe you found some intel. But how about this? We can go and go speak to the mayor, we can go speak to--do they even have police here? Like, that did not look like a cop car you just got out of.

Charles: I need one of you guys to roll for that specific question. So let’s roll--

Scottye: Wait, wait, hold on! The man who arrested “Hal Bishop,” a.k.a. Ash Delaney, did say he was not part of the police. So I feel like Delaney should have information, at least, that they weren’t police officers.

Charles: Yes, they were not police officers. No. However, there is another question that you kind of asked there that I do want somebody to roll about. And this is specifically, I would say, “research.” I’m going to say somebody gets to roll for research about the police here in town.

Scottye: I asked the question! I rolled a nine. I’m just saying, I asked the question, I rolled a nine.

[Mysterious music.]

Charles: Okay, but you have noticed that ever since you left Birmingham, that there have been no cops anywhere. You don’t see a cop car coming through town; you haven’t seen anybody parked; the people that arrested you were security guards; the people in town are adverse to the police and to government from everything you’ve heard, especially from Dr. Cooper; and that’s the situation. You’re piecing together that maybe: a) the police don’t like being in this town, and b) the people don’t like the police.

Scottye: So I’m gonna stay in my drunk businessman outfit for the res of this adventure, is what you’re telling me?

Hal: Hi, I’m drunk businessman Hal Bishop, nice to meet you!

Scottye: I pull out a badge which reads “Drunk Businessman.”

Megan: So they’re fine with security guards. So wait--

Ash: Crime scenes are guarded by security guards? Wait. Hm. That’s interesting.

Scottye: Wait, so is--

Charles: The crime scene is on an old mining facility.

Ash: So the old mining facility is owned by somebody. So it’s protected by the security guards. I wonder who’s labelling it as a “crime scene.”

Hal: That also means there are no protocols going on with that crime scene. That’s not good.

Ash: That’s a good point. No. We need to get on there as soon as two o’clock hits, which also means--there’s no cops, is there a forensic team in the morgue looking at the body?

Hal: Was the body removed?

Ash: Is it still sitting there--[laughs] So can you even--think about it, Bishop. Can you even trust what people are saying about, “Ooh, they were just murdered by a big bird!”

Hal: Okay, so yeah, there’s a lot more in this case. I hate to say this more than anything I’ve ever had to say in my entire life, but you were right. This is not cut-and-dry. Where, did you see where that car that took you went to? ‘Cause I assume that since they’re security for this place, they should know at least what happened to the body if anything happened to the body in the first place.

Ash: I don’t know if I’m going exactly to be able to talk to them again. [laughs] Don’t worry about it. Just trust me on that one.

Hal: Well, you can’t, but Drunk Businessman Hal Bishop certainly can!

Ash: Was there anyone else that you spoke to about with that bartender that we can maybe go talk to? Let’s keep talking to security guards as a last resort, maybe.

Hal: We can go to the mayor’s office. They did say that the victim was a church-goer. Perhaps we could go to his church. There are not many options. This town is extremely small.

Ash: There’s gotta be a way for us--I need to get to see that body. There’s a way we can get to the body before we go look at the crime scene later.

Scottye: [laughs] Charles, is the body still there? That is also a big question.

Charles: You guys don’t know.

Megan: I feel like the only thing that would be tough about talking to the mayor is, being government would get us access to the mayor but they don’t want to talk to government agents. But there’s no reason to random--like, Drunk Businessman and whoever randos to go speak to the mayor.

Scottye: What’s around us right now? Is there a hill or anything? I assume since it’s a mining facility it would be in a dip.

Charles: The main road that goes through town, which is just called First Avenue or what-have-you, cuts right past the Pizza Bar. Just to the south of that is that mining facility. So you basically left the Pizza Bar, ran over a hill, and you got arrested immediately. Now you’re back on that first street. You can see the gas station. Right next to you there’s a few different churches down the road a couple blocks. You can see those. And then right down one of the other streets ahead of you, down the street from the Pizza Bar, you do see the mayor’s office, is where you’re currently located.

Scottye: What time is it?

Charles: You got there early afternoon. You hung out at the Pizza Bar an hour or two. So it’s mid-afternoon at this point.

Ash: Oh, we’ve got a lot of time to kill.

Hal: Yeah. That also means though, I don’t know if this is how mayors work, but assumedly the mayor has to be getting off work soon, you would think. Which means…

Ash: I have no idea what mayoral staffs--I don’t know when they clock in and out.

Hal: Well, the mayor shift should end soon, which means we could invite him down to the Pizza Bar posing as Drunk Businessman Hal Bishop and friend, and perhaps get some info out of him that way. I mean you’ve got the, I assume, the DOT credit card that we can business-expense a nice meal for the mayor?

Ash: Hal, you’ve seen our car, right?

Hal: [resigned] I’ll pay for it.

[Radio playing classic rock then tuning to another station.]

Scottye: We go to the mayor’s office but we don’t go inside. We just kind of chill. And I’m looking to see…

Charles: There is--the building is basically pretty much empty. As you walk in the door--it was made for a bunch of different businesses, kind of live inside of this one building, right?

[Door opening]

Charles:  And they’re all empty except for one that has a big “Mayor” sign.

Scottye: [laughs] It’s an abandoned mall!

Charles: But a little tiny mall. Have you ever been into one of those buildings where you walk in the door and there’s six different offshoot rooms and they all have their own businesses in it? It’s kind of like that.

Megan: I’m gonna roll “assess” on this. ‘Cause yeah, it’s one of those little office blocks where they have the little suite buildings, right?

Scotte: Yeah, yeah.

Charles: Right. Right.

Megan: I’m gonna roll “assess” just to see. Just ‘cause this is really Weird.

[stale laughter]

Scottye: Behind the sign that says “Mayor,” you can clearly read where it used to say “Papa John’s” and now it just says “Mayor.”

[laughter]

Megan: Okay, that’s a… ten, plus one is eleven.

Charles: Nice! So you get to ask three questions on the “assess” wheel, which we haven’t gone over, so I’m gonna go over real quick. Never do it again. “What potential complications do I need to be wary of?” “What do I notice despite an effort to conceal it?” “How is blank vulnerable to me?” “How can I avoid trouble or hide here?” “What is my best way in, out, way past?” “Where can I gain the most advantage?” “Who or what is my biggest threat in this situation?” “Who or what is in control here?” And if you ask that last fucking question, you are wasting a question. ‘Cause there’s a big sign that says who’s in control here and it is, in fact, the mayor.

Scottye: It is Papa John!

[laughter]

Megan: “What potential complications do I need to be wary of?” “What do I notice despite an effort to conceal it?” and I’m going to save one question to gain a plus-one to any future “pry” roll.

Charles: Nice. Killin’ it. “What potential complications do I need to be wary of?” Well, I think the biggest one is that you have already used a fake name and that you are hyperaware now that this town is very libertarian to say the least. And that you do need to watch out for what you say, because when government officials--and as a reminder, previously when you were talking to Dr. Cooper, he mentioned that they weren’t really willing to give him very much information because of them thinking he’s a government official as well. So that is the answer to that question. “What do I notice despite an effort to conceal it?” Um--

Scottye: [laughs] The Papa John’s sign!

Charles: The businesses--come to the Papa John’s. The Papa John’s. Oh my god, I ripped out my headphones ‘cause that shit is so--um. That’s the joke answer. The real answer is that you have noticed, and it’s not necessarily exactly with the mayor’s office itself but it also plays into it.

[Theme music fades in.]

Charles: But this town has the mine and usually in mining towns that are doing well, there’s more businesses. Since the only place inside of that little area is, you’ve got the Pizza Bar, you’ve got one of the restaurants, and you’ve got the mayor’s office. Everything else is closed up for the most part. You assume that the mine is not doing too well, that maybe they’re not pulling out as much materials as they have been in the past and that this is becoming a run-down town.

Megan: Could afford to put a butt-load of private security on the crime scene though.

Charles: Yep.

Scottye: Ooh. I didn’t think about that.

[Music fades out.]

Ash: Before we go in there, just so you know, did you happen to tell that bartender your name?

Hal: I don’t… Did I? I don’t…

Charles: I dunno. Did you?

Hal: I don’t believe I did. I’m fairly sure I just enjoyed a few drinks with him.

Ash: I may have told a security guard that I was Hal Bishop in a moment of panic.

Hal: Okay. Just gonna igno--

Ash: Just so you know.

Hal: Just gonna ignore that. But alright. Complicates matters a bit but okay.

Scottye: I walk into the mayor’s office which, I assume, dings. [laughs] Ding-ding!

Charles: It does. Yeah. Please don’t make the sound effects. I make the sound effects. As you will hear in Part 3 of our bonus episode on Patreon, I have schooled these fools about not using their own sound effects. And I have told them, and this is warning Number 2, that if you continue creating sound effects, I will use those sound effects for the entirety of the show.

[Muffled “ding-ding”]

Scottye: I think that one’s actually just a good take. I think you can just use that one in general.

[laughter]

Charles: Okay, I will use that from here on out.

Scottye: Okay, good. I have to do a quick retake, make sure it worked. Yeah, I walk in--

[Muffled, garbled “ding-ding”]

Scottye: Is there anyone else there or is it just the mayor at a desk? [laughs]

Megan: Is there a secretary?

Charles: There is a secretary’s desk but there is no secretary. Assumedly there is no secretary ‘cause he can’t afford for a secretary, so it’s just the mayor inside the office, and he’s just playing on his phone, playing--

Scottye: [interrupting] It’s the nineties! It’s the nineties. He’s playing Snake.

Charles: Solitaire.

Scottye: Aw, dammit.

Megan: Solitaire on his phone?! In the nineties?! Just give the man a computer.

Charles: The man has a computer, he is playing DOOM 1.

[loud laughter]

Charles: The original DOOM…

Scottye: I was gonna sing the DOOM music, then I remembered, oh wait, Charles will put it in post, it’s okay.

[DOOM music fades in]

Hal: Excuse me, we’re here to see the mayor?

Mayor: That is me. How can I help you folks?

Hal: Ah, Mayor Johnso--what is your name, sir? I’m sorry.

Mayor: Mayor... Uh. I forgot my last name.

Megan: [laughs, imitates Mayor] “It’s been so long since anyone’s come to see me! I’ve forgotten!”

Mayor: Hi there, I’m… oh… who are you folks? I haven’t seen you before.

Hal: I’m--

Ash: [interrupting] I’m Hal Bishop!

Hal: And my name is Ash Delaney. Nice to meet you. Actually, we are from Birmingham, but I’ll be honest with you, we just came down to go to the Pizza Bar for a few hours, but as we came through, we just fell in love with your town here. And we were curious about perhaps purchasing a home, but we couldn’t find any type of Home Owner’s Association to go to, so… is it you who we speak to about that?

Mayor: Yeah, it is me. I actually do a lot of real estate as well on the side.

Hal: Okay!

Mayor: I am part--I do real estate, I am the mayor, I’m also the plumber here in town. Bit of a jack-of-all-trades if you must know.

Charles: You see on his desk a plaque that says “Mayor Savage.”

Hal: [laughs] Okay. Well, yeah, we just wanted to speak to you about your town like we said. It’s beautiful. It’s slow, which is something we desperately need compared to that busy Birmingham lifestyle we--

Mayor Savage: Oh, you know Birmingham.

Hal: Yes, I do!

Ash: We do!

Mayor Savage: You know what they say about Birmingham.

Hal: It’s the magic city!

Ash: [overlapping with Hal] It doesn’t have nearly as many churches to choose from! As here.

Mayor Savage: Both of those things.

Scottye: One of those is actually correct!

Hal: But yeah, we love your town. Like I said, nothing ever happens around here, we’re sure. In fact, can we take you out, just ‘cause you’re doing such a good job running this town. We wanted to really talk over getting a home here and speak with the mayor a little bit. What do you say?

Scottye: Just gonna roll in advance.

Charles: Yeah, I’m gonna say “fast talk.”

[Sound of dice hitting a surface.]

Scottye: Uh, “fast talk” is “con”...

Charles: So this is when you use your wits--we didn’t explain this one--when you use your wits to get someone to do something or to lie to their face, you can roll “con.” 10 plus, they do exactly what you want, or they do what you want within reason. 7 to 9, they do, but there are some consequences.

Scotte: That is 3 and, oh no! 1. Plus 2, which is what my “con” is, so… it’s not good. It’s a six.

Megan: [mutters] A six. Hm!

Charles: However, in this situation, Ash can help out to bring it up to a mixed success in some way.

Megan: Okay.

Charles: So as of right now, the mayor is looking and saying:

Mayor Savage: I don’t know you folks very well.

Scottye: [interrupting, as Mayor] “I’m a busy man! I’ve got more DOOM to play!”

Mayor Savage: Yeah, sorry, I’m knee-deep in the dead right now.

Ash: I’m sure you’ve got all kinds of interesting stories to share about the fascinating history of your town that we would love to hear you regale us with. As the custodian to all of the fascinating lore of Carrion Hill! I mean, how often do you get the undivided attention of two individuals who are just in love with history and will buy you as many drinks as you want?

Mayor Savage: Mm. I do like alcohol.

Charles: I do need you to roll for this since you are helping here.

Megan: Yep. That is a 9.

Charles: 9, so you do get a plus 1 to that. It is a mixed success. So the mayor pauses DOOM, he looks at you both, and says:

Mayor Savage: Well, first two rounds of drinks on you folks?

Hal: Oh, absolutely.

Mayor Savage: Oh, 100 percent I am in. So I’m gonna finish up work here. I’m gonna finish up work here but as soon as I’m done, I’ll meet you over there in about an hour. Does that work for you?

Hal: Yeah, absolutely.

Ash: Sounds like a plan.

Mayor Savage: Perfect.

Hal: That’s not so far away in time that we feel we have to do something in between. Let’s go!

[Bass guitar fades in, then out]

Megan: Dammit, I thought of a real good joke, but it doesn’t work for the nineties.

[laughter]

Scottye: Do it. Do it.

Ash: Bishop, do you want to take me to church?

[laughter]

Charles: I fuckin’ love it.

Hal: Yeah, sure. Your skin won’t burn or anything upon entering it, will it?

Ash: I mean, it hasn’t yet but I do also wear at least three protective charms of various religions on me at all times.

Hal: No, no, that was just a joke. That was a joke is what that was.

Ash: [laughs, trails off] We’re having fun, the two of us. We’re bonding.

Hal: [muffled laugh] Sure.

Ash: Like friends do.

Hal: And off to the church!

Charles: So I think in this time because it’s very nearby, you go to the firtch--first church…

Megan: “Firtch.” [laughs] “The Firch of Carrion Hill.”

Charles: Yeah, the Firch Church of Carrion Hill. You go and walk inside and they say:

Firch Church of Carrion Hill: No, Henry didn’t go to church here, sorry. Check next door.

Charles: You walk next door to Church Number 2--

[Megan and Scottye laugh over Charles]

Charles: And that’s not the case. And they’re like:

Church Number 2: Hey! Check across the street.

Charles: And you go to church number three--[interrupted by laughter]--which is literally across the street--

Megan: Oh, god.

Charles: And this church which--I don’t know. Does Fantasy Name Generator have a church…

Megan: “The Oh Jesus Church of…”

Scottye: “Third Methodist Church of Carrion Hill.”

Charles: This is “The Church of Nazareth of Carrion Hill.” There’s a lot of “of”s there. Church of Nazareth of Carrion Hill. But you walk inside and there is a pastor seated at the front and you hear the whole music bellow through the organs playing. Somebody’s practicing the organs.

[Organ choir music fades in]

Charles: I am not a church-goer. I’m not familiar with what happens. So they’re fuckin’ like doing a practice rehearsal like--

Megan: A Jesus rehearsal?!

Charles: Yeah, they’re doing a--

Scottye: [interrupts] What day is it? If it’s Wednesday, they could be getting ready for church.

Charles: I would say it’s a Monday or Tuesday, so I think they’re in the middle of--Okay. So all I know is theatre references, right? So they’re in hell week for their performance--

[Scottye laughs loudly]

Megan: Oh my god…

Charles: --this upcoming weekend so they’re in their tech rehearsals for--

[noises of bafflement]

Scottye: This is not how church works. [laughs] This is not how church works!

Charles: I am the fucking Director here. I would just like to say--

Scottye: Okay!

Charles: I do not understand how a church works. However, in our universe, they have tech rehearsals for their church. And if you “at” me on goddamn social media about how a church actually works, I will retweet that--

Scottye: I’m gonna--I’m trying to “at” you in real life right now! I hope it works! Because I don’t, after that, I don’t want to hear Charles have to come up with what a sermon is!

Megan: Oh, God.

Scottye: Which is what I assume the pastor’s doing!

Megan: [laughing, imitating pastor praying] “Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed by thy tech rehearsal. Mic check. Mic Check.”

[laughter as Charles mumbles]

Scottye: [imitating prayer] “Our Guy who be up there, lookin’ swell…”

Charles: They’re doing their lighting run-through with their lighting individuals. They set all their different scenes for all the different lighting cues that they have. The pastor’s--

Megan: Do services have--

Hal: Hey, preacher man! What’s up? [laughs]

Megan: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay.

Charles: What is my pastor voice? Do I do a cool pastor or do I do a stereotypical pastor?

Megan: Can we retcon this to be a Catholic church and it’s just fuckin’ empty? And you could just go up and light a candle or something if you’re of the mind?

Charles: No. Fuck no. It’s my tech-heavy Nazareth Church.

Scottye: How long has it been since the man died?

Charles: It’s been a few days at least from what you know.

Scottye: [laughs] Okay, we walk in.

Hal: Oh, I’m sorry, are we early? Or are we late? I’m sorry. I’m being rude. Pastor. Ash Delaney, nice to meet you.

Pastor: [hoarsely] Hi, nice to meet you folks. How are you doing?

Hal: We’re, well, not good. I’m sure you’ve heard about Henry Wilson. We actually came down from Birmingham for his funeral.

Ash: The poor, poor bastard.

Hal: [stifling laughter] We didn’t when the funeral was but we just assumed sometime this week. We decided in the meantime we would take in the glory of Carrion Hill.

Pastor: It is glorious.

Hal: ...A-yep. Certainly.

Ash: So are we in time?

Pastor: The funeral is this weekend, however, if you would like to spend some time grieving, I can help you. I can help you with the grieving process. Have you been to church lately, my… my… [searching for word] people?

Hal: [sighs loudly]

Pastor: I don’t know what pastors do, so.

Hal: Well, unfortunately, we have no pastor because let’s be honest, we’re from Birmingham. [laughs] And those heathens up there, they don’t--

Pastor: Those heathens in Birmingham!

Hal: They don’t have anything like this that upholds the true glory of God, and so we thought here would be the best place to grieve. How did you know Henry?

Pastor: Henry? He was a person here at the Church of the Nazarene and he lead the children’s chorus.

Hal: Oh, always.

Pastor: The Singing Children of the Church of the Nazarine… There’s only three because it’s a really small town so it’s three singing children. But he did lead that choir.

Hal: He had a beautiful voice. So I don’t want to say this, but… Did the family decide to do an open-casket, or cremation, like how is--what are we in for basically?

Ash: We’re wondering if we would have the chance to say goodbye to him. Or did he get really messed up--

Hal: Yes!

Ash: --by that big ol’ bird?

Pastor: Oh. I don’t…

Hal: It’s okay, pastor. Take your time.

Pastor: You said you’re family?

Ash: Yes! We’re second cousins.

Charles: I need you to roll “fast talk.”

Megan: That’s 10, plus 2, baby!

Scottye: Nice.

Charles: Nice, nice.

Pastor: Normally in these situations, unless we have actual family from here in town, we normally don’t let people just see the bodies. But if you--

Hal: Well no, we don’t want to see him right now.

Ash: [overlapping with Hal] Yes we do! Yes--

Hal: Well, if you like, I’m just saying--

Megan: I stepped on your foot. I stepped on your foot.

Hal: [grunts in pain] We--ah--we would just like to say farewell to him. We would like to look upon his face, much like Luke did to Darth Vader in that hit film.

Ash: To say goodbye to Henry alone, one last time before the actual ceremony. Just so there’s no, you know, [lowers tone] surprises?

Pastor: Right. I understand.

Hal: Yeah, we don’t want to be like “[exclamation of horror and disgust]” at the funeral. [laughs]

Pastor: So this here is--I don’t know if you’ve seen the town. We’re a small town. This church is half-church, half-morgue, half-funeral-parlor, so--

Scottye: [loud laughing] I was afraid you were gonna say “half-church, half-Pizza-Hut”!

Charles: It’s--

Megan: [rapping] I’m in the church. I’m in the morgue. I’m in the combination church--

Scottye: --and Pizza Hut!

[laughter]

Scottye: Pizza Hut…

Charles: [rapping over laughter] I’m at the Pizza Hut. I’m at the church-of-God. I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and church-of-God. There we go. That’s funny. He goes:

Pastor: So the body, I don’t think, is in a place to be viewed as of right now, but if you come back tomorrow I can have somebody here to say your last goodbyes.

[The church organ hymns fade out. Organ music fades in, now playing the sporting event song “Charge!”]

Ash: That would be fantastic. Thank you so much. Father? Pastor? Which one are we doing?

Pastor: Ah… You can call me “Daddy.”

Megan: [laughs] Yes! I knew you were gonna fucking say that.

[overlapping laughter and thanks]

Scottye: Thanks, Dad.

Ash: Thank you, Sky Daddy.

[laughter]

Sky Daddy: We all thank the Sky Daddy here at the Church of Nazareth.

Charles: I love my interpretation of religion here is like, so fucky.

[laughter]

Megan: Two out of the three people on this podcast have never been inside a church. Oh, god.

Scottye: Meanwhile, I’m from Alabama, so of course I have!

Megan: I’ve been in two churches in my entire life. One was for someone else’s wedding.

Scottye: I had to go into one so I could get my Pizza Hut order.

Charles: Oh, it’s the joke that we made earlier about the Pizza Hut Church of God. I got it. I got what you were saying about going into a church to get your pizza order.

Scottye: Jesus!

Ash: Thank you--are we going with, was it Pastor? We’re calling him Pastor?

Pastor: Yeah, we’re going with Pastor.

Scottye: It’s all in the South. It’s Pastor. It don’t matter what kind of church it is. It’s Pastor.

Megan: Thank God one of us knows what the fuck it’s supposed to be.

Ash: Thank you very much, Pastor. We appreciate your accommodations in this, our heaviest time of grieving.

Pastor: Are you folks gonna be here for a good amount of time? Like a few weeks? ‘Cause next weekend we’re putting on Godspell the Musical, which is actually like the religious--

Hal: [loudly] We actually have to go. We’ll be right back!

Charles: And you leave the church. You guys run out of the church at this point.

[laughter]

Charles: And find yourself back. I think it’s been close to an hour at this point. You find yourselves back at the Pizza Bar and the mayor is just walking up the street, so you can see him as you’re coming this way. And he just waves at you both. He waves at you both.

Hal: [yelling] Mayor! Good to see you promptly on time, as I would ever expect a fantastic mayor as yourself to be!

Mayor Savage: Thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that.

Hal: So what’d’ya say? Let’s slam some ‘za and drink some--what are you, a whiskey man, a vodka person?

Ash: You drink the whiskey drink? You drink the vodka drink?

Hal: [laughing] Tequila individual?

Mayor Savage: I’m a whiskey-vodka person. I do a little bit of whiskey, a little bit of vodka, mix them together, you have yourself a whiskey-vodka.

Hal: Call it a “whiska,” that’s what we call it out in Birmingham.

Mayor Savage: Mmm.

Hal: A whiska. I’ll tell you though, that’s “whiskey” business mixing those two, amd I right?

Mayor Savage: [laughs] Oh.

Ash: Oh, god.

Hal: Come on in. I made friends with the bartender here. He’s a great guy.

Charles: And you walk in. You sit yourselves down at a booth. It’s kind of like a Pizza Hut. You go and order. Nobody seats you down; you go and order the food and they bring it out to you.

Scottye: Hm.

Charles: Or is it a goddamn buffet? Is it like the fucking Pizza Ranch? 100 percent, it’s a pizza buffet. It’s the goddamn Pizza Ranch.

Scottye: Oh, it’s a buffet! Yes! I’m mixing cherry Jell-o and chocolate pudding in a bowl, just getting ready to ralph it down.

Megan: Hal Bishop is an animal.

[laughter]

Megan: Although we established that in our bonus episode that you can check out on Patreon.

Scottye: [laughing] Patreon!

Megan: You can hear all Bishop’s other canonical food crimes--food and beverage crimes.

[laughter]

Hal: Y’all, y’all tellin’ me y’all ain’t never did that? Mix the Jell-o pudding together?

Charles: As you sit down to order pizza, you bullshit with the mayor for ten minutes. And he looks at you both and says,

Mayor Savage: Well, you wanna move here to town. Gotta say, there’s not really anywhere to move. We’re kind of a small community. We don’t really let outsiders move into town. But I really appreciate you folks spending time here. Really nice to see that people appreciate Carrion Hill.

Hal: No, it’s a phenomenal town, like we said! Came down just for a couple of days just to have fun, celebrate, eat pizza, and we just fell in love with it. We really did. I mean, that really upsets me. Why exactly, why do you not allow quote-unquote “outsiders” in, if you don’t mind me asking?

Mayor Savage: Oh, we just like to keep to ourselves.

Hal: Was--

Scottye: No, should I pull the Henry Wilson card out now that we know someone died?

Megan: That’s really, really--we need to get him, I feel like we should get him a little more liquored up before we do that.

Scottye: Yeah. Well, you know what? We’re only here for a short time, but how about we’re here for a good time as well? Barkeep! Three whiskas! Come on over!

Charles: He walks over and just lays a bottle of whiskey down on the table. It’s like,

Bartender: Well, you’re probably gonna be drinkin’ all of this, right?

Charles: And then he just walks away.

Hal: [calling] Whiskas! We need vodka as well!

Ash: We need a vodka bottle too! Yup!

Charles: And he does. He brings it over.

Scottye: Now he brings over a singular bottle that already has it mixed, and it says “Mayor’s Special Juice” [drowned out by laughter]

Megan: “Mayor Juice.”

Scottye: While you continue the conversation, I’m going to fill my flask up with sweet tea so we can continue getting “liquored up.” Does Ash actually drink, or…

Megan: Delaney doesn’t know what you’re doing because Delaney wasn’t here for that. Delaney left.

[laughter]

Scottye: I was going to, like, gesture so you know what to do, but I much prefer the canon that you’re going shot for shot with Hal, who’s using sweet tea. And by the end of it, Delaney is fucked!

Megan: Well, I imagine you’re kind of pissed at me--I’ve been kind of a dickhead this entire trip. [laughs] So I mean, that’s up to you to decide. Do you want to gesture?

Scottye: [sighs] I bring it back and I think I do gesture and you don’t noti--actually, roll to notice.

[laughter]

Charles: Yeah, let’s… Roll to “assess.”

Megan: Okay. [laughs] I was gonna do a character thing, but sure, we can make it a roll. That’s a 8, which I guess plus 1 is a 9, so that’s a mixed success.

Charles: So you see it happen, but you don’t understand what the actual intention behind it is.

[laughter]

Megan: So I just notice you’re doing a weird thing with a flask? And maybe I shrug at you?

Scottye: Yeah.

Megan: So now I guess it’s up to you. Do you want to explain what you’re doing? ‘Cause I’m just like:

Ash: Huh?

Scottye: I think that’s just it, yeah.

Megan: Okay.

Scottye: Yeah, ‘cause you’re talking to the mayor while I’m trying to show you, and you’re like “I don’t get it! I don’t know what’s happening!”

Ash: [interally] Are you doing extra, are you drinking more? Alright. I didn’t know you were like a lush, but okay I guess. I mean to each their own. I already know you smoke a lot. I guess you’ve got a lot going on in your life.

Megan: That’s the internal logic.

Scottye: [imitating Ash] “Hal Bishop has problems.”

Megan: I mean, Delaney’s got their own set of vices that we may explore someday so they’re not judging you.

Ash: So I’m sure you’ve got a whole lot of--this town has gotta have a whole lot of interesting stories to it with the mining history and everything…?

Mayor Savage: Yeah, you know, it’s an older town. Way, way back it was an old gold mine in town. Then, you know, the gold ran out. That town died. This town came up because they started mining the iron, mining the coal. That happened, what, like…

Charles: He’s kind of a little tipsy at this point.

Mayor Savage: That happened like… thirty, forty years ago that started picking up again. Now that’s starting to taper off a little bit. People are leaving town. See by my office building. There’s not much here except for the Pizza Bar, my office, and all those churches.

Ash: There are a lot of churches.

Megan: Delaney, I don’t know if this was in the character description that we were gonna add in, Delaney’s very small. Delaney’s kind of a manlet. They are like 5 foot, 3 or 4, so they’re tipsy right along with you. Maybe a little bit past.

Mayor Savage: Man, you know, there are a lot of churches. It’s nice being in a town filled with God and with people who can come together through adversity.

Hal: Actually, Mayor--

Scottye: I’m returning now.

Hal: [slurring] I do have a question. It’s a small town. Are the churches in competition with one another? ‘Cause assumedly you don’t have enough people to really fill out each church on Sunday. Are they competin’ or what’s the deal?

Mayor Savage: With that, everybody has their own church. So…

Scottye: [imitating Mayor Savage] “They get one when they move into town!”

Mayor Savage: You get your own ones. Honestly, you know, in the end, there’s no competition here. Everybody here in Carrion Hill, we’re all here to help each other. We’re all one big family here.

Hal: Clearly. I mean, you’ve got your own bottle here. Let me tell you, I didn’t think I’d like it. Whiska is the best drink I think I’ve ever had. It’s very good.

Mayor Savage: If you like the taste of whiskey and you like the taste of vodka, just put ‘em together. That’s what I always say.

Hal: Mhm.

Ash: [slurring] It may be my top five. I’d put it in the top five. I’m curious about… Mr. Mayor. What I’m wondering is if you’ve fallen upon, if the townsfolk’ve fallen upon hard times, misfortune… We saw that there was a crime. And how is there so much security? How can you afford all this security around? It seems a bit odd. Just as a,‘cause if we’re looking to move into this fine town, obviously we’re like, “Hm, there was a crime here.” But obviously the security makes us feel a little bit better about it, ‘cause it’s like, “Ah, well, at least there’s good fine people of the law” but that seems a bit at odds with the situation you’re describing. It just seems a bit strange.

Hal: Ah--Mayor, give us a second with “Hal”--[privately, sing-song] What the fuck are you doing?

Ash: I’m just asking some perfectly innocent questions. I sh’ understand what... What?

Mayor Savage: [stammers, slurs] The security…

Ash: Yes!

Mayor Savage: Se-cuhr-ity.

Ash: [laughs] It’s a funny word, right?

Mayor Savage: I can’t talk about it too much. For reasons.

Ash: [stammers, whispers] You can be--we can keep a secret! We’re very good at keeping secrets.

Charles: And he whispers. He looks at you and he says:

Mayor Savage: Well, we all kinda take turns with security here at the mines.

Charles: And then he just kind of--

Mayor Savage: We all take s--se--we all take ts with security at the mines because we just don’t want it to get out, you know?

Charles: And then he just fuckin’ passes out right in front of you guys.

Hal: Mayor? Mayor! ‘Scuse me! Mayor? What, what, what do you want not to get out? Mayor?

Ash: I don’t think he could… hold his whiskers. [snickers]

Hal: I think we may have just killed the mayor. But it’s okay. So, Delaney! Are you g--I guess we can go back to normal names now. Are you gonna be good?

Ash: [laughing drunkenly] You’re Delaney right now!

Hal: We were Delaney for the mayor who is definitely possibly dead but absolutely not paying attention. So you get to go back to being Delaney now.

Ash: [stammers] Wait, wait, can I be the mayor--?

Hal: No. No.

Ash: I want to be the mayor now! And then, oh no, okay, fine, fine, you can be the mayor. And then they can, I’ll still--

Hal: He’s the mayor! He’s the mayor no matter what!

Ash: He can be Bishop. He can be Bishop right now. I’ll still be Delaney. You could take a turn being the mayor. I’m gonna take another drink. It’s very good. Here, let me--

Megan: And Delaney pulls the mayor up by his hair.

Charles: And his mouth is just like, agape, just hanging down, drooling a little bit. You hear him snoring.

[Snoring.]

Ash: He’s fine! He’s alive. He’s fine.

[Clunk.]

Charles: The head just falls on the table.

Ash: See? Fine. You can take a turn at being mayor now. Having fun.

Hal: You seem to be having a good time. Here, have some of this.

Scottye: And I just give you my flash because sweet tea’s mostly water and I’m just trying to make sure you stay hydrated right now.

Ash: I… fantas… This is...

Hal: Yes it is. It’s that--

Ash: This isn’t alcohol. You were--[gasps]

Hal: Yes! I wasn’t drinking!

Ash: You were--you were--that made sense. In [drunkenly stumbles over word] retrospect.

Hal: Let’s go sit you down in the car for a nap. When you wake up--

[Car door opens. Crickets chirp in the distance.]

Ash: What time is it?

Charles: It’s like, nine PM at this point. You guys have just been chilling with the mayor. You guys still have some extra time to sober up, but at this point with how drunk you are…

Megan: God damn, I really wanted to go there. I really wanted to go there drunk. [laughs]

Charles: There’s only a few hours left. You are still going to be a little drunk there.

Scottye: Yeah, I propose that Delaney takes a nap in the car to be at least somewhat sober when we have to go fight a dinosaur or whatever you have planned for us.

[Car door closes.]

Megan: Okay, if we’re in the car at least, we can talk. [laughs]

Ash: [stutters] I’m fine, I’m fine. We were in the car for so long! We were in the car for like a thousand hours.

Hal: No, it’s sleepy time. It’s sleepy time now. Just lean back. Here you go. Lean that back and just take a nap.

Ash: Don’t… don’t talk to me like I am a child. You are the assistant.

Hal: Yes, and--

Ash: You’re going to be dead in like six weeks anyway so.

Hal: Then I better make the best use of myself while I am here. And I’m assisting you by making sure that you’re good when we have to go investigate tonight. So just go to bed. It’s okay. If anyone comes up I’ll--

Ash: Stop touching my hair! It’s weird. Quit it!

Hal: [sighs] Just go to sleep.

Ash: They keep giving me nannies.

Hal: It seems like because you need one.

Ash: And yet--and yet--I’m the one, I’m the one who’s lasted in the position, so do the math there! Hm? Yeah! Do that! Can you do that algebr--calculus, why don’t you?

Charles: As an aside, I do like how when Ash Delaney gets drunk, they start doing an Adam Sandler impression.

[laughter]

Charles: Anyways. Cut back to you guys making your jokes and me just listening and enjoying this.

Hal: You know, maybe you’ve survived this long because your office is bullshit.

Scottye: Light up a cigarette. Roll down window.

[Car window rolls down.]

Ash: If you’d seen half the things I have, you wouldn't be so quick to say this. Whatever. It doesn’t, it doesn’t even matter. [drunken stammer] Before I take a nap, answer me one question, Hal. Will you do that for me? As m’ assistant?

Hal: [tiredly] Yes, as your assistant, I will answer a question.

Ash: Thank you. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen?

[Music fades in.]

Hal: I don’t know. I saw a three-legged dog once. How about that?

Ash: [snorts, laughs]

Hal: It was weird! I mean, it was just walking down the street. It wasn’t like there was a stump. It was like he was born without it. It was weird.

Ash: [sleepily] Hal. Let’s see how long you last in this job. And I’m gonna ask you the question again in like a month.

Hal: Uh-huh. Sure.

[Music becomes louder.]

Narrator: This has been a production of Loudspeaker Networks. For more on this and other programs, visit Loudspeaker.fm.